So You Have a VCR...

So you have a VCR, and you happily watch your videotapes, enjoying the movies for, say, two years. Then your friends start talking about how they can watch DVDs on their televisions and you decide to call Movie Support to find out how it's done.

We tell you that, unfortunately, your VCR was made before DVDs were invented.
"Well...I don't see why you people think you can talk down to me like that just because my VCR is older than other peoples'."
I am sorry, ma'am....but I am not sure what you want me to say. I can't make your VCR play DVDs.
"You know, you shouldn't treat me like I am less than other people! All my friends watch their DVDs and I want to, too!"

Eventually you demand to speak to my supervisor. He asks me why you are unhappy. I am unable to explain. Half an hour later, after talking to you, he is still sitting, dazed...not sure why you are unhappy.

Quotes & Conversations

Me: And why can't you do that yourself?
Nathan: Because you are the intelligenter one.
(point proven)

Me: And what is your email address?
Customer: I don't give that out, ever. Can't I just give you my credit card number?

Me: Nate, it's time to go running.
Nathan: I guess I can't wimp out while wearing a Marines PT shirt, can I?
Me: Good thinking!
Nathan: I'm going to go change shirts...

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs...

I would like to ask you a favor. I want you to walk outside your front door and to the nearest corner. When you get there, I want you to look around for the street sign. Find the one for your street. Read and memorize the entire sign. For instance, if it says 'Smith Ave.' I want you to memorize both 'Smith' and 'Ave.' And if it says 'NW' in front of it, memorize that, too. Teach it to your children. Write it on your arms if need be.

Then, when you call Customer Service, and they ask you for your billing address, because they want to be sure, before they get into your account where your credit cards, your customer history, your children's names, and many of your personal secrets are stored, that they are really talking to you. We verify because we love!

Please do not say, "What, are you going to send me a letter?"
Please do not tell me that you are too special to have to answer these questions.
Please, please, do not embarrass yourself by telling us that you do not know what kind of street you live on (or, worse, that is is 'gravel' or 'paved' or 'has sidewalks'), and you haven't gotten mail lately and you don't know how to look your information up online...really. Please don't do this.

And please, don't end this conversation screaming and yelling and swearing at us because you don't know your own address. It isn't pretty.

Santa and the Politician

From my calls this week:

Me: And what is the email address on that account?
Customer: Well, I don't really know. Santa brought it.
(this person was an adult)

Me: And did you do [xyz] before you called?
Customer: I don't remember. It isn't something I record in my mind, you know, what I do.
(this person simply must be a politician. "I do not recall!")

Why I Am Glad It's Saturday

Me: Do you have another address we could ship to besides the PO box? One that UPS or Fedex could use?
Customer: No, please use the PO box.
Me: All right, that will arrive between April 8 and April 12.
Customer: That long?! Can't you make it come faster?
Me: I'm sorry, I can't ship any faster than that to a PO box.
Customer: Even if I paid you?
-----
Me: I'm sorry, it sounds like I need to replace that for you.
Customer: Could you upgrade it, then?
Me: Ma'am, you already have the latest model.
Customer: No, I want that new iPad thing that just came out.
(keep in mind...I do NOT work for Apple...)

"I'm So Glad You Speak American!"

If you know me well, you know I hang out on the socially and fiscally conservative end of the spectrum. But anytime I hear someone begin to spout off about people needing to speak English, my stomach gets upset and my respect meter takes a dive.

Perhaps it's the four years I spent studying another language, or the time I spent in another country (where, ironically, people made a great effort to speak to me in English until they figured out I could speak Spanish). It could also be the 10 years I lived in the brown half of a fiercely divided town, the men I have dated from other cultures or, I don't know, my common sense?

"I'm so glad you speak American" is something I hear far too often from callers. It is twice as disgusting as the usual English-only crud I come across. One, because 'American' isn't a language (speaking of which....'America' isn't a country, either), and two, because I work for an international company. Yes, when you call, the person you speak to may have an accent. This might make you uncomfortable (well, no one ever complains about the Irish accents. Maybe because Irish people tend to be white?). But it is solely your problem. The company I work for hires the cream of the crop at any location and while there is an occasional linguistic mishap, in the year and a half that I have been doing my job, I have been impressed. It is not anti-American of us to hire outside this country. After all, we sell outside this country, and if one thing is sure, 'America' sure appreciates our prices.

I think what bothers me most is that this particular brand of xenophobia tends to be associated with people and things that I hold dear or believe in. But you want my opinion? Here it is!

It is prideful. English is not a better-educated, classier, richer, conservative, better-sounding or more useful language. You just think it is because you have been speaking it all your life. By the way--thinking they need to learn to speak English to deserve to live here? Um, you were born here about four years before you became a proficient English-speaker.

It is ignorant. Do you know what I hear the most often? The opinion that people come to the US and never learn to speak English. After all, everywhere you shop, someone is speaking another language! Why can't they just get it in gear and learn English anyway? Well, I have news for you: THEY ARE. It's kind of like saying, "Everywhere I go there are more teenagers! Why can't they just grow up already?!" The problem isn't that the teenagers refuse to grow up (that's another post entirely), but that every day, more kids become teenagers. Likewise, it isn't that people are refusing to learn English--every day, more non-English-speakers join us in the great Melting Pot. You are just too blind to realize that they aren't the same non-English-speakers you were so hateful with a year ago.

Additionally, if your husband were transferred to Germany and you moved there 60 days from now, would you speak German well enough to get around town and get your business done? I highly doubt it. Don't make demands on others that you don't make on yourself.

When I lived in a heavily Spanish-speaking area, I got great opportunities to speak Spanish. But there was always a vying for languages taking place. I wanted to speak Spanish, my neighbors wanted to practice English. One gal, determined to learn the language, but home with three young children while her husband worked two jobs, would watch TV with the subtitles on, to try and learn to read and speak English while folding the laundry or cooking dinner. One semester she was able to join an ESL class that our church started, but her hands were simply too full to continue. (What? You mean they weren't on welfare, sucking our tax dollars? Sigh) Trust me, it isn't lack of desire or diligence at work here!

It's historically inaccurate. You think people used to hop off the boat and dive into an ESL class? Think again. I have a friend in her 70s who didn't learn English until she went to school, and she was born here in the States. You and I? Our backgrounds almost surely contain travelers who came to the US with a Mother Tongue, and sadly, somewhere our families lost them! If you ask my son, I'm sure he'd tell you he'd rather have grown up speaking German than walk to the high school every morning to beg for that teaching. My great grandmother must have spoken it as a child, but my grandmother never learned. The English-only attitudes that abound are causing families in this country today to try to not pass down this heritage. How sad! I will also point out that many Native American people groups are losing their language...and they were here before any English-speakers!

It's a bully's tactic. Pay special attention, my homeschooling friends. Those attitudes we love to miss out on by keeping our kids at home? I hear them in the English-only mantras. Good gracious, we wouldn't want anyone to be unique or different, no, everyone needs to be the same! And if they aren't the same, well, then, they aren't as good as the rest of us and they don't deserve what we have. (Interestingly, when I was in Guatemala with Wycliffe I learned that almost always, when a culture does not have a written language of its own, the people both within and surrounding that culture view them as lesser humans. Do we want to make people feel that way?)

It's arrogant. We can demand this because we are the United States? Few countries have this kind of rule. France isn't a country we want to emulate, is it? Most governments recognize that more than one language is in use in a large population. Why can't we? The prevalence of English speakers worldwide is due to just a couple things--British occupations and US pride. It might interest you to know that people in India (oh, the dreaded call centers!) grow up speaking English. That would be the English that is even more English than our English, a result of England's occupation there. And then there are those who cater to us because their economy depends on our money (see 'bully's tactic,' above).

It's useless and pointless. Exactly what are we hoping to gain? Discouraging people from coming to this country? Making everyone just like us? Or do we just want to be more comfortable when we go to the Wal-Mart? What insecurity is this feeding?

And, finally, it is not Biblical.
Ezekiel 22:7b The alien they have oppressed in your midst ; the fatherless and the widow they have wronged in you. (here we go...oppressing foreigners is listed with such things as raping one's daughter in law)

Deuteronomy 10:18-19 "He executes justice for the orphan and the widow, and shows His love by giving him food and clothing. So show your love for the alien, for you were aliens of Egypt." (and here we have a reminder--if you are a Christian, then YOU are an alien here on earth, as well)

Deuteronomy 27:19 'Cursed is he who distorts the justice due an alien, orphan, and widow.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.' (wait...you mean that doesn't say Justice was only due to them if they had learned to speak Hebrew by then?)

The entire book of Ruth (go read it, it's a good story anyway!)

I encourage you to put aside any patriotism that has morphed into pride, to make decisions based not on your personal comfort but on logic and biblical standards, and to open your mind and your heart to the joy that those who journey here, to be part of this great country, which was founded on the right to be different, can share with you if you are willing.

Out of the Mouths of Adolescents, Take Two

Clumsily attempting to voice my opinion on Nate's new found habit of closing his bedroom door whenever he is in there, I said, "I hate this age."

"Don't worry, Mom! You'll be 35 soon."

(he then corrected my misconception--he has developed a habit of closing his bedroom door because he doesn't want to disturb me when I am working. Had nothing to do with his being 14)