Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs...

I would like to ask you a favor. I want you to walk outside your front door and to the nearest corner. When you get there, I want you to look around for the street sign. Find the one for your street. Read and memorize the entire sign. For instance, if it says 'Smith Ave.' I want you to memorize both 'Smith' and 'Ave.' And if it says 'NW' in front of it, memorize that, too. Teach it to your children. Write it on your arms if need be.

Then, when you call Customer Service, and they ask you for your billing address, because they want to be sure, before they get into your account where your credit cards, your customer history, your children's names, and many of your personal secrets are stored, that they are really talking to you. We verify because we love!

Please do not say, "What, are you going to send me a letter?"
Please do not tell me that you are too special to have to answer these questions.
Please, please, do not embarrass yourself by telling us that you do not know what kind of street you live on (or, worse, that is is 'gravel' or 'paved' or 'has sidewalks'), and you haven't gotten mail lately and you don't know how to look your information up online...really. Please don't do this.

And please, don't end this conversation screaming and yelling and swearing at us because you don't know your own address. It isn't pretty.

Santa and the Politician

From my calls this week:

Me: And what is the email address on that account?
Customer: Well, I don't really know. Santa brought it.
(this person was an adult)

Me: And did you do [xyz] before you called?
Customer: I don't remember. It isn't something I record in my mind, you know, what I do.
(this person simply must be a politician. "I do not recall!")

Why I Am Glad It's Saturday

Me: Do you have another address we could ship to besides the PO box? One that UPS or Fedex could use?
Customer: No, please use the PO box.
Me: All right, that will arrive between April 8 and April 12.
Customer: That long?! Can't you make it come faster?
Me: I'm sorry, I can't ship any faster than that to a PO box.
Customer: Even if I paid you?
-----
Me: I'm sorry, it sounds like I need to replace that for you.
Customer: Could you upgrade it, then?
Me: Ma'am, you already have the latest model.
Customer: No, I want that new iPad thing that just came out.
(keep in mind...I do NOT work for Apple...)